Here’s how not to rewrite your system. Again.

Here’s how not to rewrite your system. Again.

What I Actually Do (When I’m Not Yelling at Legacy Code)

I’ve spent 20 years in the trenches of enterprise Java, EJB nightmares, and leadership roles trying to keep developer teams sane and systems stable. These days, I help teams modernize without melting down, fix processes that quietly ruin morale, and build software that won’t collapse under its own cleverness.

Sometimes that means stepping into your codebase. Sometimes that means stepping onto a stage. I’m available for both.

Topics I Speak On

For conferences, schools, meetups, or anyone still listening:

  • Legacy System Modernization
    Untangle the hairball. Migrate without rewriting your soul.
  • Digital Privacy for Real People
    Straight talk on surveillance, self-defense, and staying sane online.
  • Burnout and Bad Agile
    How our “best practices” quietly broke our teams — and what to do next.
  • How Not to Rewrite Your App (Again)
    A greatest-hits tour of overengineering, inertia, and good intentions gone wrong.

Consulting & Workshops

For orgs that want actual change, not just new slide decks:

  • Architectural reviews for old-school and hybrid Java stacks
  • Privacy-first audits and technical strategy (because yes, you’re leaking data)
  • Team sessions like:
    • “Fix Your Build”
    • “Refactor Your Culture”
    • “Security Without the Drama”

What It’s Like to Work With Me

I’m a little less snarky in person — but no less opinionated. You’ll get straight talk, grounded advice, and the occasional eye-roll at overengineered nonsense. I come prepared, I keep it real, and I care more about helping your team than impressing a conference crowd.

Past Talks & Experience

Most of my speaking has been internal — team sessions, technical deep dives, and the occasional “explain this mess to leadership” moment. I haven’t hit the user group or conference circuit (yet), but I’m comfortable presenting to both technical and non-technical audiences.

I can use PowerPoint if I have to, but I’m just as happy sketching things on a whiteboard. Either way, you’ll get clear thinking, not just pretty slides.

Let’s Talk

If you think I might be a fit for your event, team, or digital privacy effort:

Email: hello@thecynical.dev
Or use the Contact page.

Note: Limited availability. I’m not here to scale — I’m here to help.